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January 04, 2024. Dear Kids– One of you kids was so excited to get $100 and carte blanche (look it up) at Trader Joe’s to buy what you needed to set up a Cheese Board at work. Now you know your cheeses, thanks to your exposure to The Mom’s legendary cheese and charcuterie boards over the last several years, but it still didn’t stop you from picking up a bag of cheese puffs (perhaps my influence is to “blame” for that) for the younger folks in the office. In fact, one such soul was so excited they asked you if they could take home the leftover puffs.
That got me to thinking- what if we just swapped out all the fancy cheese on a cheese board for crunchy cheese snacks? It wasn’t long after that when I started to compile various crunchy cheese snacks on my many trips to the market over the holidays. After that, all it took was finding the right time for the reveal.
That came once your cousin, my nephew, came for a visit recently and after your Aunt, my sister, told me when he was faced with her Fancy Holiday Cheese Board, he exclaimed, “Don’t you have any normal cheese and normal crackers?” What cheese could be more normal to a young man who has an affinity for Chipotle, Chick Fil A and McDonalds, than the cheese in crispy cheese snacks? As for the crackers- the cheese is the cracker- mind blown!
For the board featured here, I tried to compile a representative snack sample from my youth, the early Dad Days and popular crunchy cheese snacks at home and away. As for accompaniments- Ranch, honey, Cheese in a Can and, although I forgot to put it out, Frank’s Hot Sauce for dipping; and some mini beef sticks for a charcuterie vibe. I wouldn’t blame you if you added pickle chips and even some grapes for color and style and for their palette cleansing qualities.
Diet: What Diet?
Prep Time: 10 minutes
Cook Time: 25 Minutes if making Parmesan Crisps
Servings: 8-12
GET YOUR STUFF OUT
- 8-15 bags of your favorite crispy cheese snacks
- 4-5 ounces coarsely grated Parmesan cheese, if making Parmesan Crisps
- Ranch dressing, hot sauce, honey, Cheese in a Can or other dips, as you wish
- meat sticks, pickles, grapes, as you wish
COOK AND PLAY
Play “Hot Cheetos and Takis” by Da Rich Kidzz, and make sure not to get any orange finger dust on your party clothes.
1. Parmesan Crisps. If you’re making Parmesan Crisps, preheat oven to 350°. Make as many 2-3 tablespoons mounds of grated Parmesan that will fit comfortably on a Silpat covered baking tray and bake until melted and starting to brown- 20-25 min.
2. All Aboard! Arrange your crispy cheesy snacks, dips and accompaniments on a board or other impressive serving device.
THE LECTURE
The Dad’s Definitive Ranking of The 13 Crunchy Cheese Board Snacks On The Dad Board From Worst to First
13. Trader Joe’s Baked Cheese Crunchies. Why did I buy these? I see that some people buy these because they’re baked and “healthier”- but that shipped has sailed if we’re putting 8-15 cheesy snacks out on a board. Some also claim the cheese flavor is more prominent than in its Cheetos counterpart- I say are you really going to trust someone who buys baked crunchies opinion on cheese? 2/10
12. Cheddar Goldfish- These are here for the nostalgia as I fed 1000s of these to you kids during the early Dad Days just to keep you quiet. In fact, I bet I could still find a handful or two of these in the couch. 4/10
11. Pirate’s Booty. Another of your favorites from childhood that I think a lot of parents bought into for “health” purposes- it’s baked. It’s the same parents who bought Annie’s Mac and Cheese, Smartfood Popcorn, Justin’s Peanut Butter Cups- yes, I’m guilty of buying them all at some point, but I still made sure you got your Cheetos, Kraft, Movie Popcorn with fake butter and Reese’s just to make sure you were exposed to all price and taste points. Seriously, if you want to give your kids healthy snacks they should not be processed food- but what’s the fun in that asked The Dad- JK- you know there were lots more vegetables and fruit snacks in your childhood diet than the “other” kind of snacks. Still, as you may have read above, I’m suspicious of anything considered a “healthy” snack, although these are better than I remember, but still not all that great. .BTW when I started to search “Is Pirate Booty healthier than”- one of the suggestions from Google for completing the query was “smoking weed”- what?! 4/10
10. Utz’s White Cheddar Snowballs. A mediocre cheese ball at best, but just look at that bag- how can you not get at least one bag of these every winter season? One bonus point just because they’re snowballs and another because I know Buddy The Elf would love them! 5/10
9. Trader Joe’s Cacio E Pepe Puffs. They pack quite a peppery bite in a fun shape. I thought perhaps too much pepper at first, and by the time I figured out whether it was too much, I grew to enjoy them and the texture from the irregular shapes is satisfying. They won’t be everyone’s cup of tea- you’re going to love ‘em or hate ‘em- I mostly loved them and everyone else mostly hated them, 7.5/10 for me 2.5/10 for everyone else for an average of ….. 5/10
8. Extra Toasty Cheez Its. If you don’t like Cheez Its- and I don’t really (Mom loves them and so did Gramps)— the extra toastiness (not a word) might change your mind- it changed my mind and I was surprised to find myself going back for seconds and thirds once the really good stuff was gone. 6/10
7. Cheetos Puffs. Good and certainly no one is going to be disappointed by the puffier cousin of the Crunchy Cheeto, but still not as good as Jax Cheese Curls! 6.5/10
6. Popcorners White Cheddar. A softer and gentler triangular cheese chip that’s slightly addictive- my biggest surprise?- they’re baked! 7/10
5. The Dad’s Parmesan Crisps. Yes, these are baked too, but they’re also 100% cheese, so that more than makes up for it! On top of that, they couldn’t be easier to make- you can use parchment paper if you don’t have a Silpat mat, but the mat yields the best results. Still, I am taking points off since they’re a little bit fancy for this board. 7.5/10
4. Cheeto’s Crunchy. Before it was dangerously cheesy it was cheese that goes crunch- all good things as far as I’m concerned! 7.5/10
3. Jax Cheese Curls. The only cheese puff I knew as a kid- cheesier and lusher than Cheetos Puffs. I remember licking them like a cheese lollipop, gnawing on them pretending to be a beaver, challenging myself from time to time to let them disintegrate in my mouth without gobbling them down and throwing them into the air to see if I could catch them in my mouth or lose them to Fluffy our family dog- all good clean fun on a Friday night while watching the Bradys, the Partridges, Room 222 and Love American Style (but only if GM Hawkins was babysitting). If you don’t have such memories, you might think they’re a 7/10, but you’d be mistaken. 8/10
2. Nacho Cheese Doritos- A classic that never goes out of style and a snack that was one of my major food groups as a teen. 8/10
1. Cheddar Jalapeño Crunchy Cheetos- The Dad’s favorite- just the right amount of heat that compliments and doesn’t overwhelm the cheese. I am no fan of the ultra spicy cheesy chips, usually with hits of lime, that do nothing but obliterate any cheese left in its wake. On the other hand, Taki’s introduced Takis® Intense Nacho (It says “non-spicy” right on the bag) earlier this year- it was on my radar when shopping for the board, but I was not able to find it. If I do, I will certainly let you know what I think about it with an update to this post. Viva the spicy cheese! 10/10
One Last Thing About “Charcuterie”. I was totally thinking Slim Jim’s for the charcuterie component, but Vermont Smoke and Cure Beef & Pork Sticks are similar in price and so much better.
And Another Thing- Cheese In A Can! I love Cheese In A Can- in moderation, of course, and that means once a year for the holidays. It’s really the perfect dip for crunchy cheese snacks- a creamy and supple contrast to every crunch and a flavor that magnifies the cheesiness of every bite. It’s also fun to make designs in a dipping bowl or on the board If you’re not into that much fun, nacho cheese or queso sauce from a jar will do in a pinch.
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